4AM….. More

My mind will not stop racing. It is taking me down so many paths right now that I can’t keep up. Careers, moving, gaming, Pass the Peaz, love, my health, food, wanting to be asleep right now, friends, family etc etc….

I think I’m actually starting to zero in on things that trigger this. When I’m excited, faced with major decisions, stressed and/or in an emotional state I can’t shut my mind off. Right now it is definitely the emotions. Go back and read the previous blog. How do I know? Well, I’m literally sifting through my thoughts and they are kinda highlighting themselves if that makes sense. Nothing really happened per say, but ever since my emotions have been tapped back into on this level, I’ve been trying to figure out how to manage it.

I feel like I’m feeling everything right now. It’s like a sensory overload. All I want to do is control it, but right now, I can’t. It is too damn much. At the same time, it makes me feel alive if that makes sense. It also serves as a reminder of where my empathy for others comes from. People love to say “ I understand “ or “ I feel you” but do they really or better yet have ever really? Shit do they truly care? I say that because as someone who has suppressed their emotions, I’m guilty of saying those things and while I may know the feeling, I can’t say that I’ve always cared. This brings me back to my emotions and my issue with the lack of control.

I believe things happen for a reason and this is no different, the problem is my mind is trying to answer too many questions at once. Things like.   “ Why did you bury your emotions in the first place? What about this recent new connection caused you to be triggered to this magnitude? Is triggered the right word? How do you truly feel? Why now? What am I supposed to learn from this? Why do I crave so much conversation with her?” I could go on but you get it.

See for me, the connections matter because I am also a believer in logic and reasoning. The problem is feelings/emotions don’t always make sense and trying to always link it to something logical or reasonable is uhhh….. a challenge. For now I know this. Writing things out like this helps. It helps because I don’t know to convert this into a conversation and I don’t want someone trying to rationalize my thoughts for me because I wouldn’t take them seriously because how would they know? 

Wow so, I wrote the last paragraph before I wrote this part… I think I have the answer as to why I buried my emotions. Hell I’ve said it out loud but in a different way. “ When I get into relationships, I put thing things I’ve been working on on the back burner and prioritize the relationship “ Well none of those relationships have worked out thus far and every time one ends, I find myself hitting a hard reset. Having to continuously start from 0. But I love women so when someone of interest comes along, I explore the opportunity. That’s when I tend to let my feelings override things. I guess over the years I tried to correct myself by burying them to nullify the urge to be with someone and focus on myself instead. Over-correction…..

In this very moment, the word BALANCE comes to mind. That seems to be a theme for me this year. Also MINDFULNESS. The truth of the matter is, I’ve always put others before myself hence why I end up with, from my perspective, less than in the end. The other truth is I can have that connection/relationship and pursue the things I want with the right partner. That’s what I need to keep at the forefront of my mind. There should be a balance of “ These are my personal goals and priorities and these are my relationship goals and priorities.” I think I’m a simple person, but maybe I’m more complex than I thought. When it comes to being mindful I need to remember to ask myself this.; “ Is she taking the time to get to know, love, support, and accept Robert Wilson Jr for who he is to his core?” Yeah this recent connection struck that nerve in all the best ways and maybe that enlightenment is what I needed. I know this isn’t the only reason why I likely buried my emotions, but I guess since this new connection involves a woman this one stands out.

So… once again this blog is serving it’s purpose as an outlet for me to just be. Imperfections, insecurities, confusion, discomfort, openness, and feelings and all. 

Peace, Love and Balance

Rob

You Again? Infatuation, Feelings, Logic.....

What up? 😅 Sheesh I haven't written a blog in about 3 or 4 years. Let me tell you, a lot has happened and some of that will be shared at some point. However, today is about my damn feelings. I have always had a difficult time dealing with and sorting out my feelings. Well, I truly believe life happens in cycles and something has come back around to bite me in the ass. It isn't a bad thing, it's just something I've been guided to reflect upon.

Long short, one of my gamer friends and I had a real ass conversation for the first time.... ever really. She opened up to me like most people do. This was some real ass talk. Long short and for the sake of her privacy, she had her heart broken. I know that feeling all too well. To my surprise, I found myself more and more intrigued with her as she shared more. Why? Is it because she is a gamer? Is it because she is a woman? Is it because I am thirsty? Is it because I can relate? Is it because you see her as vulnerable? None of that. It was because of the strength she showed and her mindset.

If you have been keeping up with the "Social Media" relationship streets lately, you would know that men and women in the black community are just at odds when it comes to dating. The narrative being pushed is a man has to basically be set up and willing, and able to take full care of a woman. Alternatively, he needs to be a certain height, make a certain amount, so on and so forth. As for the women, you have to have a low body count, be able to support and bring a man peace, be in shape, and know your place. Real gender role heavy stuff. It is all over the place. What I have come to understand is that the question " What do you bring to the table?" triggers people and a lot of the responses boil down to more superficial things that can actually fade or change quite fast. Many of the conversations exclude the qualities of the actual person like their mentality, ability to hold a conversation, their temperament, how they treat you, and their outlook on life.

Ok so now you have context on what I had been seeing lately. Back to her. 😌. She seemed to fall into that rare category of woman who looks at the man and who he is first and foremost. It has been 10 or more years since I've really heard a woman speak this way and actually mean it. Deadass I went back and read my own blog because this felt "familiar". This is why reflection is so important. So yeah, it intrigued me. I made sure the conversation wasn't one sided and I shared my own experiences of course. One thing that I truly wanted her to know is that heartbreaks changes a person. I have lost myself and found myself less open and more detached from my feelings as a defense mechanism. Although you should learn from your mistakes and protect yourself, you don't want to lose the very essence of who you are to your core. She is just a sweet and kind person who has worked hard to get to where she is and I didn't want her to feel like all that work was in vein. I think she got the message and now only time will tell as she continues on her healing journey.

Ight so y'all might judge me but I really don't care. This is therapeutic for me and I need to let this all out. She fucked my head up in a good way. I was not expecting this at all. So, she is into astrology and card reading. I have never really taken a deep dive into all of that, but again I was intrigued so I asked her for a reading. (Disclaimer: There was nothing demonic or "Evil" about this experience). All she needed was my birthdate, where I was born and the time. This is where she fucked me up. She texted me some things about what is called my "Chart" and some of my "Placements". I googled some of it and found it to be surprisingly accurate. Not in a coincidental type of way. In a " Wow I can name multiple situations in great detail that align with this." type of way.  She also noted that we had some similarities which I made a mental note of myself.

So now my head is all over the place. Her calm and soothing nature mixed with our conversation just reignited something in me that had just been dormant for quite some time. The hopeless romantic in me lol. Man listen I thought it was dead and gone and I began to mostly go by logic vs what I am feeling which is quite the task let me tell you. As a human, we are going to feel things and we should acknowledge our feelings. This was a moment in time when I realized I needed to rebalance myself.

Now during this time, real shit, I became infatuated with her. Not in an unhealthy stalker type of way, but in a "I want to know more about you." kind of way. I feel like she was speaking to my very being ( she actually was) and was taking the time to look inside of me. That's when I had to pump my brakes. I was having a "feeling overload". I felt special, unique, and the attention was intoxicating and I loved it all. My thoughts were running wild and I honestly wasn’t trying to stop them.  I even played out what a life with her would be like in my head. Yeah, my feelings had taken over completely and I was enjoying that feeling. Some of you know what that is like. It took a few days, but I came back down to reality. She did for me what she does for others when it comes to reading, and there is nothing that indicates personal interest when it comes to that. Yes it felt good, but I had to realign my feelings and logic with one another and see things for what they were. 

My previous experiences with misinterpreting things in life came in handy with this situation. Early on in my life I wouldn't make any moves whatsoever and I missed out. I was hoping they would just "Feel" or "Understand" the way I felt about them. Then I overcorrected myself and began to make moves too soon based on infatuation without taking the time to get to know them better. That always ended in disappointment because when reality set it, I wasn't as interested as I thought, or visa versa. Over the years I learned to balance it, but since I have been single for a while, I guess I needed this all to happen as sort of a tune up. I do want to start dating again soon and I need to have my thoughts and feelings in check.

Back to her again.😉 So when we caught up and had another conversation about my chart, shit got extremely deep. I mean extremely. She spoke to me about some of the themes in my life that I had been dealing with, my personality traits, and the way I interpret things. Basically 100% accurate which was surprising and a bit eye opening. In between her breaking down my chart and my placements we were having personal conversations about experiences, and once again my damn feelings were taking over. Our shared experiences mixed with our overlapping chart placements were giving me that " She might be the one" feeling. (Hopeless Romantic). So once again I had to give myself a reality check. Other than the fact that we were sharing personal experience and commonalities, we weren't on that type of time. Again that relatability, attention, and her soothing nature just got to me again Sheesh.

So where am I today? Today I am much more balanced. As I said earlier this was a place I have been before, but it has been quite some time since I've been here. I felt "Seen" and "Understood" and for me that equals love, but it is not an indication of anything romantic per say. That's what my experiences have taught me. I needed this and didn't even know I did. Learning to open myself back up and allowing myself to to "feel" more is important. It's what makes me feel alive and in touch with what is going on around me. I just have to remember that it's normal. I also have to remember to balance my feelings with logic or reality. 

As for her..... I am still drawn to her because of her mindset and our conversations. The wild infatuation is dying down and I can see things more clearly and I am able to manage my thoughts and feelings much better. One thing that I know I will have to deal with is making a decision. She is clearly hurting, healing, and processing everything. I am still making decisions on what's next for me professionally, personally, and romantically. The timing of all of this is perfectly imperfect. Maybe we connected like this just for me to rebalance myself. Maybe I am just meant to be a safe space of comfort for her like I am for many others. Maybe there is potential for something more for us in the future as we get to know one another. Maybe I am overthinking everything and I just need to let it all happen. I don't know. What I do know is, I am thankful for this experience and the growth that will come from it.

So.... yeah this is what has occupied my mind over the last 2 weeks. It brought me back here. My blog. My safe haven. My thoughts and feelings in black and white. My very own reflection. Taking a look at myself and traveling down this road of thoughts feelings and experiences has reminded me of how far I've come in this life. 

Love, Peace, and Blessings

Rob

Out of Nowhere...

Listen, no for real listen. If there is one thing life has taught me, it's that you can't stay stuck in the same place. You have to get off of your ass and do something about it. So in light of this.... I did a thing.......

So I joined some singles groups on social media. I wasn't really looking for anything other than some conversation. Little did I know that I would end up with way more than I bargained for. Upon posting my picture and introducing myself, I received some very warm welcomes. To my surprise I also got a few private messages. However one person definitely stood out among the rest. As we all do, I had to look her profile a bit and also check some of her pictures. I didn't see any craziness so I replied to her message. ...

Real talk that was June 5th and we have been in conversation ever since. This is something I truly needed. It is interesting and a huge refreshing new thing for me, well for us. One step at a time right? Well I am getting to know her pretty well and she would be able to say the same. Until then I will enjoy the moment.

Sometimes when you have a bad breakup or things just aren't going the way you want them to, you need a fresh start. When the doubt, disappointment, sadness, fear, and just hopelessness all try to gang up on you, you have to fight back. When you fight back you begin to see that the world and your options are much more expansive and available than you might think. Don't allow yourself to get boxed in. Fight back. Remember to take care of yourself mentally, physically, and financially.


Love, Peace, and Happiness...

So this happened.....

          What's going on? You ight? You good? Covid 19 A.K.A. Corona Virus still fucking up your life too? 2020 still whooping yo ass too? Yeah me too. Ohhh yeah my relationship is over. Where I am today and in this moment tells me it is over for good on all levels. It wasn't pretty, it wasn't fun, and it wasn't expected at all. Real talk, I can't even talk about it in this post like I originally planned because I don't really know what I want to say about it. Instead I will talk about what I am feeling right now.
         Needless to say this shit sucks! You court, you plan, you love, you cater, you do the " right " things and end up back in the land of the singles. I honestly thought I was done with this, but clearly I was wrong. The part of this that is the hardest to deal with is the self reflection. Yes I had conversations with her and asked questions for the sake of closure, but when someone lies to you, can you really trust anything they say? You're kinda left to your own devices and thoughts. " Was it all a lie? Was I good enough? Why? Was the sex bad? Did you love me? What did I do wrong? Why are you an asshole? How could you do this to me? " etc etc and all that. So now I have to decided is Rob will still be Rob or will Rob say f it . Yes it is easy to say " Just be you. Stay true to yourself. It was them not you." however, when things happen to you more than once, you tend to take a longer look into the mirror. After all, " You" are really the only thing you have control over. It is the only variable that you can change and adjust moving forward so it becomes quite tempting when you end up in situations like this.
          Real talk.... again.... I think I will be ight. A lot of things if my life are right where I need them be. I am in position to comfortably make some moves I have literally been dreaming about. I have to de-clutter my mind. Things are different now. Am I sad and hurt and all those things? Yes, however I tend to be optimistic. I know time will heal my wounds, but I also don't want to lose sight of what's in front of me. I don't want to drown in sorrow and sadness. I want to use it to fuel my fire. I got shit to do man. Like on so real shit, I have things I want to really accomplish out here in this world.
          When I am ready and a bit more clear I will tell you about what happened. I feel like if I do it right now it just won't come out right. Sometimes it is best to let things sit for a minute before you address them. So yeah i'm going to leave that there.


Peace, Love, and Happiness...

New!

                          Yerrrrrrrrr, Yeah I know, I haven't posted in a while but i'm back. I have transitioned and moved and I am settled in now. Ahhhh..Life is grand Lately I have been working hard at accepting something new. It hasn't been easy honestly and a lot of people have dealt with this. It is and it isn't that serious depending on the type of person that you are. So as usually I will give ya'll the real. My lady is absolutely beautiful, fine, gorgeous, attractive, desirable, exotic, sexy, and all of those other adjectives. This isn't a problem at all I promise. It isn't a bad thing either. It is just a thing and it isn't a thing. It is whatever I decide to make it really.  Rob, get on with it! Ok damn. As a man who is an introvert and pretty low key, it is taking me time to adjust to this attention. Yes I know the attention isn't mine directly per say, but I support her and view her content so I see things. No I am not looking for anything, but who doesn't scroll through comments every now and again. Now before you talk your shizzle, I am not the type to tell you what to wear, you can't go here, who is that guy, where you at, who texting you, who calling you, why you ain't call me back, over protective guy.  So no I am not making a big deal out of anything. I'm just saying I notice das it. Yes I said das.
                            Now this is why it is a thing and it isn't a thing. It is a thing because as a man I am very big on respect. There is nothing worse than disrespect. So I keep an eye out for the " Overly Friendly " shiznit. It is the dude in me and I have been through some things so don't judge me. Yes, I heard you over there,  " Wow so you don't trust her?" on the contrary, I trust her with damn near everything. As a man I am protective and men deal with things differently than woman do at times. Yes my lady can curve people and let them know she isn't interested, but it is different when a man lets someone know to step off. It sends a different type of message. Back to the point, I see things and I notice things and I gotta eat that sometimes just like we all do. Now real shit, some stuff use to bother the FUCK out of me. Like really bother the fuck out of me. I didn't bring them up or make them an issue because I recognized and understood it was a me thing not an us or her thing. However, overtime I have learned to relax and take things in, think, process and keep myself grounded. Now if I was the guy I mentioned earlier in this paragraph, then our shit would have been over before it ever started. So yeah this is why it could be a thing. Dudes are dudes, and people are people and we feel things and we react. That reaction will cause other things to take place. That is why I always like to think before I act. I know that my action is only the beginning and what happens next is on me as well regardless of what led me to take action. It is always a two way street, or three, or four.
                        So, why isn't it a thing? Honestly it isn't a thing because of the most simple reason. The reason most women give and the reason most people think of. " She is with you. She comes home to you. She is making love to you. She is going out with you. She is spending time with you." That is the honest truth when you think about it. When you really sit back a marinate on that, you will come to find that those things are the most important. Yes as people we tend to want more or we look and over obsess. Breathe, calm yourself, and relax. Learn to let the little things go because a lot of the time it is nothing. You must also learn to recognize when something is serious and needs to be addressed. Think about what the most important things are and focus on that. If some of those fall into a category that you feel isn't being fulfilled, have the conversation.
                         Alrighty so, final thoughts.At the end of the day you have to learn to vent and find a release. Don't drive yourself crazy. Don't obsess over things. Have the conversation and let the conversation be the end of that. If you have to keep rehashing it, that is a different story.  You also have to learn to let things go and accept things for what they are. Sometimes once you have processed things, had the conversation, and seen the results, it will tell you all that you need to know.




Love, Peace, and Blessings.

Rob

10 or so

Life has a funny way of making you take the long way to your destination. If you haven't read my other posts, then you will miss some things in this one, but it's kool. I find myself in a place I have never been before. Comfortable, afraid, happy, and without a doubt in love. I know what kinda mix is that right?

10 or so is referring to the years we have know each other. We met being adventurous and really took a risk on each other, but from the beginning we knew something was there. You know that feeling of " I don't ever want to see you anyone else" or "We could never be just friends" ? Yeah that has always been us. Like either we talked everyday and grew closer, or we completely left each other alone. Oh my bad, for the " Well what was the problem?" people, distance and immaturity make is very hard to be with someone even if you love them. A lot of distance, like a whole lot. So the thoughts, feelings, and intentions were there, but the circumstances and timing was trash.

Fast forward through years of conversations, Skype calls, an Atlanta rendezvous, and a Jamaican escape from it all where I finally said " I love you." and here we are. One thing that always seems to present an issue for most people when it comes to their feelings is time. Welp check! 10 years and counting. We are both very sure at this point. Ok now the immaturity. Welp we have both had other relationships, sitiationships, dates, and life experiences that we have both learned from which has greatly increased our appreciation for each other so... CHECK! Huh? Wha? Oh the distance... yeah so with that life experience I mentioned, we both ended up wanting to relocate..... Now the best part is, we are relocating for our own personal goals and reasons, it just so happens that where we both want to be isn't far apart at all. Matter of fact, she is already there so I am playing a bit of catch up.

No jumping through hoops, no trying to " PROVE" anything, no damn games, no fronting. The funny thing is, from the beginning there never was. We just took each other for who we were and who we currently are. We are ourselves with each other, farting, burping and nakedness. All we have to do is continue to love each other and treat each other with the respect we have for each other.. I mean I need to move too, but you get it. She is my #1. She is artsy, intelligent, talented, compassionate, sexy, understanding, and supportive. She is everything I want and need to feel completed. I truly feel like we were made for each other. I have never been this free with anyone. Being able to have a real conversation where your thoughts and feelings are valued and received vs being dismissed and judged is everything. That shit feels great! Think of every wonderful, comforting, exciting, and joyful feeling you have every had and have yet to experience and that is what we have between us. I can't describe it. Like imagine if you were to wish for 10 million dollars and that shit just appeared and you were ready to receive it? Like you had a plan set up in place to triple or quadruple it immediately. No uncertainty, no lack in confidence, just preparedness.

Yeah that is where our emotions are. Notice how I am using the word "we". Our level of communication is on 10000000000000000000000000. Nothing is really off limits and we always let each other know how we feel. We are without a doubt best friends. Every time we separated from each other and came back over the years, it was like we never left. Wanna know the scary part? We naturally have a ton of things in common. Like down to the lazy do nothing weekends stay in the bed and eat junk food kinda things lol. We literally talk everyday and the conversation is always new and refreshing. We feed each others craving for wanting more out of life, and we push each other to pursue our passions. We are partners in crime and love lol. I don't even like talking to people all that much unless there is a purpose behind the conversation. Her voice, thoughts, feelings, and opinions are my daily dose of comfort and peace. My day would be truly be incomplete without a single word from her.

This is where I am today. I am working on transitioning to the next part of my journey in life. I can't wait to see what is next. I can't wait to experience new things with my lovely lady. I am also looking forward to new opportunities and my big move whenever that happens. I still have some mental land mines and junk to sort through, but overall I am truly at peace. Life can and will happen. That's about it. If you are reading this, thank you for taking the time explore my inner most thoughts. I hope something I wrote helps you along in your journey.




Love, Peace, and Happiness

Robert Wilson Jr.

Make Sure You Are Heard.

Yerrrrrrrrr! Hello. So if you don't know I have a podcast " From My Experience Podcast" you can find it everywhere you listen to podcasts. I just wanted to put that out there because it goes with the title. I really believe that we all have a voice. We all have something to say. We all have things that at some point in time we will need to express. So....... make sure you are heard. Now, yes we have freedom of speech, but taking advantage of that can be costly. The point is, you have to let it out. You have to speak up. You need to find a way to express yourself in a meaningful way. There are endless ways you can interpret this, but I will just stick to communication in general. You have to be able to talk to each other. The tricky thing is, we all communicate differently and we all receive differently. It takes time to develop effective communication with someone. It also takes love and desire. I mean let's be honest, you can truly cancel anyone at anytime and choose not to deal with them at all and keep it moving. However, it will hinder you from learning how to communicate with a variety people. Why does that matter? It matters because you never know who you will need to make it to the next level. It doesn't mean you have to best friends, but there are a lot of benefits to even just a business relationship. I don't think anyone can truly teach you how to communicate, but one of the keys is to be able to look within yourself and understand that you are not perfect and you could always benefit from change. I am pretty open minded and that definitely helps. I also have a greater understanding of myself as a person. I know who and what I am willing to deal with and put up with. What does that mean? It means I can communicate with someone, listen to what they have to say, pay attention to their habits, motivations, and how it aligns with who I am. If it doesn't line up, then I know how to make the decision to either stay and work on things, or part ways. Parting ways isn't a bad thing. Everyone isn't meant to be in your life forever, at least that's what I believe. We are all in a world where we are trying to find our way by developing relationships, working, and pursuing our goals. It really is that simple on the surface. Communication is the key. Work on you communication and watch how things will change in your life. You will truly be shocked.  I will leave it at that.

So in closing, excuse any grammatical errors. I literally sit down and write these things when I am feeling how I am feeling. I may come back later and clean them up eventually. I hope that you have learned something from this and that you can use it to better your life.




Peace, Love, and Happiness

Rob