Is Sharing Really Caring?

Growing up, I was taught to share. Share your toys, your food, experiences, and time. Well, as I began to grow and mature, I saw the downsides to sharing. People manipulate, plot, and take advantage of your willingness to share for their own benefit. It is quite an interesting thing. You have someone who is essentially helping you, yet you find a reason to betray their trust and kindness for your own selfish needs. So now, things have shifted.

One of the most important things to anyone on this planet are their future plans or intentions. I am a firm believer in the power of words and the transference of energy. With that in mind, you have to accept the fact that everyone isn't on your side. Everyone that may be close to you may not be "for you". Over the years I developed a quote based around this. "People don't like to see you become successful without them." it is just the truth. What gets lost in that is the fact that we all have our own paths in life with a variety of intersections. Sometimes it isn't time for you to connect with certain people, or it may never just be a part of your journey in the first place. It gets deeper than that but I want to keep this surface level.

So with all that in mind, decisions must be made. One of those decisions is to be honest with yourself about your relationships with people and who you can truly trust with your thoughts, feelings, ideas, and plans. Some people will be there for you and help you. Others will try to discourage you and tell you what they would do. Then there are those who remain in the shadows either cheering you along, or hating on you. There are some other groups within this spectrum, but these are the common ones. I will say this, when you find someone that you trust and they are supportive, do whatever you can to preserve those relationships. There is nothing like being able to share the most amazing things in your life with someone.

I appreciate everyone that I have been able to share with without criticism, hate, and/or ill will. If you don't have people in your life you feel comfortable sharing with, I urge you to seek them out. One way to know if they meet that qualification is to pay attention to what they share with you and that actual actions they put behind their words. Anybody can spew ideas and pleasant thoughts, but if there is no action or progress made, it is just talk. Also, pay attention to how they respond when you share with them. Are they supportive, to the interject their opinion without you asking? Do they immediately throw out the idea of  "Partnering up" ?. Take all of that information in and think about what I said before. If they aren't motivated enough to take action when it comes to their own plans, how well do you think they will support what you are doing? Not saying it isn't possible, but what are the chances?

This has been on my mind for a while and I just wanted to get it out. I hope that you already have people in your life that you can share with. If not, I hope you find them soon.

Love and Peace

Robert Wilson Jr.

4AM….. More

My mind will not stop racing. It is taking me down so many paths right now that I can’t keep up. Careers, moving, gaming, Pass the Peaz, love, my health, food, wanting to be asleep right now, friends, family etc etc….

I think I’m actually starting to zero in on things that trigger this. When I’m excited, faced with major decisions, stressed and/or in an emotional state I can’t shut my mind off. Right now it is definitely the emotions. Go back and read the previous blog. How do I know? Well, I’m literally sifting through my thoughts and they are kinda highlighting themselves if that makes sense. Nothing really happened per say, but ever since my emotions have been tapped back into on this level, I’ve been trying to figure out how to manage it.

I feel like I’m feeling everything right now. It’s like a sensory overload. All I want to do is control it, but right now, I can’t. It is too damn much. At the same time, it makes me feel alive if that makes sense. It also serves as a reminder of where my empathy for others comes from. People love to say “ I understand “ or “ I feel you” but do they really or better yet have ever really? Shit do they truly care? I say that because as someone who has suppressed their emotions, I’m guilty of saying those things and while I may know the feeling, I can’t say that I’ve always cared. This brings me back to my emotions and my issue with the lack of control.

I believe things happen for a reason and this is no different, the problem is my mind is trying to answer too many questions at once. Things like.   “ Why did you bury your emotions in the first place? What about this recent new connection caused you to be triggered to this magnitude? Is triggered the right word? How do you truly feel? Why now? What am I supposed to learn from this? Why do I crave so much conversation with her?” I could go on but you get it.

See for me, the connections matter because I am also a believer in logic and reasoning. The problem is feelings/emotions don’t always make sense and trying to always link it to something logical or reasonable is uhhh….. a challenge. For now I know this. Writing things out like this helps. It helps because I don’t know to convert this into a conversation and I don’t want someone trying to rationalize my thoughts for me because I wouldn’t take them seriously because how would they know? 

Wow so, I wrote the last paragraph before I wrote this part… I think I have the answer as to why I buried my emotions. Hell I’ve said it out loud but in a different way. “ When I get into relationships, I put thing things I’ve been working on on the back burner and prioritize the relationship “ Well none of those relationships have worked out thus far and every time one ends, I find myself hitting a hard reset. Having to continuously start from 0. But I love women so when someone of interest comes along, I explore the opportunity. That’s when I tend to let my feelings override things. I guess over the years I tried to correct myself by burying them to nullify the urge to be with someone and focus on myself instead. Over-correction…..

In this very moment, the word BALANCE comes to mind. That seems to be a theme for me this year. Also MINDFULNESS. The truth of the matter is, I’ve always put others before myself hence why I end up with, from my perspective, less than in the end. The other truth is I can have that connection/relationship and pursue the things I want with the right partner. That’s what I need to keep at the forefront of my mind. There should be a balance of “ These are my personal goals and priorities and these are my relationship goals and priorities.” I think I’m a simple person, but maybe I’m more complex than I thought. When it comes to being mindful I need to remember to ask myself this.; “ Is she taking the time to get to know, love, support, and accept Robert Wilson Jr for who he is to his core?” Yeah this recent connection struck that nerve in all the best ways and maybe that enlightenment is what I needed. I know this isn’t the only reason why I likely buried my emotions, but I guess since this new connection involves a woman this one stands out.

So… once again this blog is serving it’s purpose as an outlet for me to just be. Imperfections, insecurities, confusion, discomfort, openness, and feelings and all. 

Peace, Love and Balance

Rob

You Again? Infatuation, Feelings, Logic.....

What up? 😅 Sheesh I haven't written a blog in about 3 or 4 years. Let me tell you, a lot has happened and some of that will be shared at some point. However, today is about my damn feelings. I have always had a difficult time dealing with and sorting out my feelings. Well, I truly believe life happens in cycles and something has come back around to bite me in the ass. It isn't a bad thing, it's just something I've been guided to reflect upon.

Long short, one of my gamer friends and I had a real ass conversation for the first time.... ever really. She opened up to me like most people do. This was some real ass talk. Long short and for the sake of her privacy, she had her heart broken. I know that feeling all too well. To my surprise, I found myself more and more intrigued with her as she shared more. Why? Is it because she is a gamer? Is it because she is a woman? Is it because I am thirsty? Is it because I can relate? Is it because you see her as vulnerable? None of that. It was because of the strength she showed and her mindset.

If you have been keeping up with the "Social Media" relationship streets lately, you would know that men and women in the black community are just at odds when it comes to dating. The narrative being pushed is a man has to basically be set up and willing, and able to take full care of a woman. Alternatively, he needs to be a certain height, make a certain amount, so on and so forth. As for the women, you have to have a low body count, be able to support and bring a man peace, be in shape, and know your place. Real gender role heavy stuff. It is all over the place. What I have come to understand is that the question " What do you bring to the table?" triggers people and a lot of the responses boil down to more superficial things that can actually fade or change quite fast. Many of the conversations exclude the qualities of the actual person like their mentality, ability to hold a conversation, their temperament, how they treat you, and their outlook on life.

Ok so now you have context on what I had been seeing lately. Back to her. 😌. She seemed to fall into that rare category of woman who looks at the man and who he is first and foremost. It has been 10 or more years since I've really heard a woman speak this way and actually mean it. Deadass I went back and read my own blog because this felt "familiar". This is why reflection is so important. So yeah, it intrigued me. I made sure the conversation wasn't one sided and I shared my own experiences of course. One thing that I truly wanted her to know is that heartbreaks changes a person. I have lost myself and found myself less open and more detached from my feelings as a defense mechanism. Although you should learn from your mistakes and protect yourself, you don't want to lose the very essence of who you are to your core. She is just a sweet and kind person who has worked hard to get to where she is and I didn't want her to feel like all that work was in vein. I think she got the message and now only time will tell as she continues on her healing journey.

Ight so y'all might judge me but I really don't care. This is therapeutic for me and I need to let this all out. She fucked my head up in a good way. I was not expecting this at all. So, she is into astrology and card reading. I have never really taken a deep dive into all of that, but again I was intrigued so I asked her for a reading. (Disclaimer: There was nothing demonic or "Evil" about this experience). All she needed was my birthdate, where I was born and the time. This is where she fucked me up. She texted me some things about what is called my "Chart" and some of my "Placements". I googled some of it and found it to be surprisingly accurate. Not in a coincidental type of way. In a " Wow I can name multiple situations in great detail that align with this." type of way.  She also noted that we had some similarities which I made a mental note of myself.

So now my head is all over the place. Her calm and soothing nature mixed with our conversation just reignited something in me that had just been dormant for quite some time. The hopeless romantic in me lol. Man listen I thought it was dead and gone and I began to mostly go by logic vs what I am feeling which is quite the task let me tell you. As a human, we are going to feel things and we should acknowledge our feelings. This was a moment in time when I realized I needed to rebalance myself.

Now during this time, real shit, I became infatuated with her. Not in an unhealthy stalker type of way, but in a "I want to know more about you." kind of way. I feel like she was speaking to my very being ( she actually was) and was taking the time to look inside of me. That's when I had to pump my brakes. I was having a "feeling overload". I felt special, unique, and the attention was intoxicating and I loved it all. My thoughts were running wild and I honestly wasn’t trying to stop them.  I even played out what a life with her would be like in my head. Yeah, my feelings had taken over completely and I was enjoying that feeling. Some of you know what that is like. It took a few days, but I came back down to reality. She did for me what she does for others when it comes to reading, and there is nothing that indicates personal interest when it comes to that. Yes it felt good, but I had to realign my feelings and logic with one another and see things for what they were. 

My previous experiences with misinterpreting things in life came in handy with this situation. Early on in my life I wouldn't make any moves whatsoever and I missed out. I was hoping they would just "Feel" or "Understand" the way I felt about them. Then I overcorrected myself and began to make moves too soon based on infatuation without taking the time to get to know them better. That always ended in disappointment because when reality set it, I wasn't as interested as I thought, or visa versa. Over the years I learned to balance it, but since I have been single for a while, I guess I needed this all to happen as sort of a tune up. I do want to start dating again soon and I need to have my thoughts and feelings in check.

Back to her again.😉 So when we caught up and had another conversation about my chart, shit got extremely deep. I mean extremely. She spoke to me about some of the themes in my life that I had been dealing with, my personality traits, and the way I interpret things. Basically 100% accurate which was surprising and a bit eye opening. In between her breaking down my chart and my placements we were having personal conversations about experiences, and once again my damn feelings were taking over. Our shared experiences mixed with our overlapping chart placements were giving me that " She might be the one" feeling. (Hopeless Romantic). So once again I had to give myself a reality check. Other than the fact that we were sharing personal experience and commonalities, we weren't on that type of time. Again that relatability, attention, and her soothing nature just got to me again Sheesh.

So where am I today? Today I am much more balanced. As I said earlier this was a place I have been before, but it has been quite some time since I've been here. I felt "Seen" and "Understood" and for me that equals love, but it is not an indication of anything romantic per say. That's what my experiences have taught me. I needed this and didn't even know I did. Learning to open myself back up and allowing myself to to "feel" more is important. It's what makes me feel alive and in touch with what is going on around me. I just have to remember that it's normal. I also have to remember to balance my feelings with logic or reality. 

As for her..... I am still drawn to her because of her mindset and our conversations. The wild infatuation is dying down and I can see things more clearly and I am able to manage my thoughts and feelings much better. One thing that I know I will have to deal with is making a decision. She is clearly hurting, healing, and processing everything. I am still making decisions on what's next for me professionally, personally, and romantically. The timing of all of this is perfectly imperfect. Maybe we connected like this just for me to rebalance myself. Maybe I am just meant to be a safe space of comfort for her like I am for many others. Maybe there is potential for something more for us in the future as we get to know one another. Maybe I am overthinking everything and I just need to let it all happen. I don't know. What I do know is, I am thankful for this experience and the growth that will come from it.

So.... yeah this is what has occupied my mind over the last 2 weeks. It brought me back here. My blog. My safe haven. My thoughts and feelings in black and white. My very own reflection. Taking a look at myself and traveling down this road of thoughts feelings and experiences has reminded me of how far I've come in this life. 

Love, Peace, and Blessings

Rob